it's been a while.

This morning, I woke up, and my first thought was "I want to blog again." We will see how long this lasts. I was talking to my roommate the other day about how I get on kicks, like blogging, photography, painting, etc. Then my kicks quickly fade into things I used to do... for a very short period of time. Bad thing or good thing? It's hard to say because contrary to my pattern with hobbies, I tend to stick with things that involve people. A lot has changed since my last blogpost about India. I am a different person with different experiences and a different perspective, and lately, I have been getting some heavy revelation about the person of Jesus, the character of God.

It's a been a while... The season I am in is rich, so rich, but it feels like I am dying. It's been a while long. Maybe, a while too long. Probably not. I am thankful, but on the real, I am not thankful most days. But God, he is incredibly, unrelentingly patient with me. He is not surprised by my sin or my, more than occasional, cold shoulder. Yeah, I give God the cold shoulder sometimes. He simply loves me. 

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs." How many times have you heard that one? And recently, I noticed how desensitized I was to it. But that is real! That is real, untainted, and unconditional love that he extends to me in the valleys and at the peaks because his love is not based on my circumstance or even my response. His love is for me, not about me, and it never was about me. It was always about him.

Something God has revealed to me recently is a misstep in my perception of who he is and who I am. Up until a week ago, I was holding many aspects of life with clenched fists. I was gripping onto plans, dreams, hopes, etc. They were all good in themselves, but I sought and found false security in things I thought I and God wanted. I was stubbornly gripping onto the security of "knowing," knowing what the next step is and having a plan. But, in his perfect love, God gently took my fists in his palms and asked me if I willing to let go and trust him. He didn't force me. He didn't coerce me. He simply asked me. I was taken aback. God gives me a choice because he truly loves me, and he would still love me if I shook my head. (Side note: I have shook my head a lot, especially in this past year.) I wanted to live by sight and not faith. Faith is scary. It's risky; that's why it's faith. However, God is worthy, so worthy of our trust. Trustworthy. He is trustworthy, even in the fog and chaos of life. I would argue he is the only thing that is trustworthy in foggy times, and I am the least trustworthy. As soon as I released my grip, my necessity to control shifted to a necessity to depend, so instead of clinging to my "things," I'm choosing to cling to Jesus. It is a process, of course.

So, this is my phrase of the century (dramatic): "I don't know." I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want. I don't know what next year is going to look like. I don't know what my dreams are. I don't know what tomorrow looks like. I don't know what I need. I don't know how I'm going to manage my budget. I don't know how I am going to pay my debt. You get the picture. I don't know anything, EXCEPT I know I can stand on goodness of God. I know he has my best in mind. I know he is trustworthy. Mostly, I know his hand, and I know how it feels, its warmth, bigness, and creases. I am gripping onto it for dear life because I am not called to know. I am called to trust... for a while. Maybe, forever. Probably, forever.