he's speaking. you listening?

I forgot about my blog for a little while, but today, I was overwhelmed with this replaying thought: It is an honor to hear the voice of God. So I decided to develop a little further via my blog. This afternoon I was sitting on my best friend, Grace's porch after a long, tiring day. I didn't really feel like talking, which isn't normal. Whenever I get pensive, quiet and internal, Grace either tells me what she thinks I'm thinking (she's right a lot of the time) or is quick to ask me what I'm thinking. This time she asked me, and this is essentially what I told her, plus some more processed thoughts:

It's been a long year, and I'm tired. I'm burnt out, probably in a good way. I feel exhausted in every sense of the word, spiritually, emotionally, physically... I've been feeling spread thin in leadership, time, finances, etc. I've given it my all. And for some people this year seemed to fly by. But for me, it rolled by at snail's pace, and it was refining. It was refining and painful because God took me and broke me to heal me rightly. I'm ready for the year to end... In reality, I'm almost there, and it's taking everything in me to press in until the finish line. When I'm tired, I make a lot of mistakes, and so these past couple of weeks I've made mistake after mistake. It's humbling and good for me because I want to be reminded that I need God. And I do! I want and need God, and after this year, I can say that I love Jesus more than ever. And the thing I keep thinking about the most is the fact that I heard God and continue to hear him. At every step and turn, God was there. We dialogued. He promised. He spoke. He comforted. He foresaw. He protected. And I am honored. I am honored that I get to hear the voice of God. I am honored I get to walk in rich relationship with him. I am honored that he cares enough to tell me things to prepare, protect, and place value on me. I'm in no way entitled to hearing the voice of God. It is not my right; it is a privilege. It's a God-like characteristic that he gave us when he made us in his image.

Hearing God's voice is so simple. We ask, we still our hearts and minds, and he speaks through the Holy Spirit. If it's biblical and encouraging, the first thing (a phrase, Scripture, a vision, etc.) that comes to your mind is from God. Simple and beautiful. And I know there are people who question this very thing: hearing the voice of God. I've had my doubts. However, I always come back to this thought: God is really big. God made us tiny humans to be able to interact, love, talk, hang out, etc. in relationship. Why would our relationship with him be anything less than our relationship with one another? We have to be able to talk to God, especially since he made us in his image. Our ability to talk at all reflects his ability to talk. Isn't it crazy that there is NOTHING good in us that isn't reflecting the good in him? I love it, and I'm honored. I'm honored I get to reflect his nature. I'm honored I get to hear his voice. I'm honored that he decided I was worth it. I'm honored.

create.

Painting I did last weekend

Create. When it comes to the creating and designing world, I've been a tad insecure and rather timid. I feel like a stranger to that world. I remember in elementary school I would go to art class and would love it, but somewhere along the way, I told myself I wasn't the "artistic" type. I didn't take an art class again until some friends and I took photography together in high school. As highly-functioning, Type A ESFJ, the left side of my brain seemed more natural for me, more fitting, so I disregarded any desire to explore the world that seemed so foreign, yet so intriguing, to me. 

As I have journeyed with Jesus these last several years, I realized that I can and do create because I am made in the image of God. Therefore, I reflect the very nature of His being, the Creator. I remember my sophomore year Antioch put on a Create conference, which encouraged us to tap into the little creator in each of us. It was so fun, and that's when I got on my first painting kick. And to be honest, I wasn't very good, and I eventually quit again because comparison... Well, it is the thief of joy. I, again, decided that I would just be the administrative, book-smart, and analytical girl sticking to the status quo.

But... that's dumb. Slowly and surely, God has healed this part of me. I feel more myself than ever, from my clothing choices to my amateur painting abilities and blogging. I feel free to experiment and to fail. I am reminded that before this world drew a line between the artistic and the athletic, the creative and administrative, the Judger and Perceiver (Myers-Briggs), etc. God created each of us intentionally and wonderfully to showcase Himself... And he said, "It is good." So, I am going to take on this perspective and align myself with heaven. I create because it's fun. I create because I like doing what my Dad does. I create because I was created by the Creator, who makes no mistakes in his creation.

Don't get me wrong. I want to be good. I want my creation and design to be appreciated. I mean... Who doesn't? Creation is to be shared and enjoyed. However, people's reactions, or lack thereof, cannot be the determinant for my creation. I create because it aligns me with the nature of the One who is enthroned.

By the way, I wrote this blog while listening to a sweet EP, Yukon Neighbors, a few of my friends created. It's great!

look back.

"When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered,

I was senseless and ignorant.

I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide with your counsel,

and afterward, you will take me into glory.

Whom do I have in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire but you.

My flesh and heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever."

Psalm 73:21-26

That passage is on repeat in my mind all day. I don't think I have ever feasted on the Word of God before, but I would say I am feasting. I know it is the one thought in the myriad of thoughts that rings completely true. "And afterward, you will take me into glory." Ah, that hits at my core. Isn't it crazy that we go from glory to glory even when we don't feel like it?

Something my amazing, wise discipler shared with us in our past time together was you can't measure growth week by week or even month by month. She told us about a story Bill Johnson shared in one of his sermons. Bill's daughter became obsessed with growing, and every day, she would come up to him and ask him to measure her to see if she had grown taller than the day before. At some point, Bill stopped her and told her that she wasn't going to be different than the day before. Growth takes time. This picture parallels to how we try and measure our growth spiritually. How often do you think back to last week and try to measure how "better" you are? Or even the last month or season? 

I look back a week. I look back a season. The same thought comes to my mind: "Shoot, I was better off then." I have seemingly digressed. However, God stops me and gently prompts me to look back a year, two, three, four... And I am blown away. I almost brought to tears by the faithfulness of God. I have been transformed, not by my doing but by the Spirit of God. My spiritual growth is CRAZY, but I didn't even realize the gravity of what was happening. I think that's the way it's supposed to be. We are to have our eyes so focused on God that he has to tell us to look over our shoulder to see where we've come from. It's a step-by-step obedience, filled with faith and eyes locked on Jesus', kind of thing.

Psalm 73: 21-26 really illustrates my journey with God. I was a brute beast, and then I was led into glory! And the crazy thing is there is more and more because I am going from glory to glory. One day, God will tell me to look back on this time of my life, and I will laugh and probably cry. I will laugh and rejoice again at the faithfulness and kindness of God. 

waiting.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run, and not grow weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Waiting... Don't you just hate waiting? Waiting in lines, waiting for test results, waiting at stoplights, etc. I hate waiting. I am an impatient person in an impatient world, which is giving us answers as fast as 4G and LTE. However, the Word of God tells us to wait for and upon the Lord. What does that even mean?

Something I realized today is that when life throws things your way, you have two options: 1) to get up and fight or 2) to lay down, raise up a white flag and wait on God for the victory. The crazy thing is neither one is more "spiritual" than the other. In some seasons, God calls us to take the hits, stand up and fight. In others, God tells us to wait and rest in his sovereignty and protection.

In my whole walk with Jesus, I have fought. The other option seems weak, and for someone like me, being weak and incompetent may be the worse thing. I am really thankful I have fought, and I know without a shadow of doubt that God is really proud of me for fighting. Fighting has produced in me a perseverance that will choose God despite anything coming my way. However, there is something I've been missing in the character of God. That part of God's character is only encountered when you're in the weakest place you could ever be with the white flag raised. There is something so beautiful in laying down in your junk and waiting on God to come and clean you up. If I don't get this, I think I will walk through a lot of life tired, bitter and alone. I would never grasp what it means to say, "God has to show up."

God is deeply honored by that choice because it brings us to a place of complete desperation and dependency. God can't be anyone or anything but himself, so when we present ourselves in such a way, he comes, meets us, and heals us. It is in his healing touch, full of gentleness and tenderness, that we see the unrelenting love and pursuit of God. And guess what? We get the victory too because (spoiler alert) God already won. It really is a choice though. Who really wants to lay down in the midst of a battle and wait? However, I think I've needed to be reminded that victory or defeat never resides in me, but it's always been in him and in him alone. So when he says, "Fight," I will fight, and when he says, "Rest," I will rest. I have to choose to stand on the goodness of God and trust in his perfect timing.

it's been a while.

This morning, I woke up, and my first thought was "I want to blog again." We will see how long this lasts. I was talking to my roommate the other day about how I get on kicks, like blogging, photography, painting, etc. Then my kicks quickly fade into things I used to do... for a very short period of time. Bad thing or good thing? It's hard to say because contrary to my pattern with hobbies, I tend to stick with things that involve people. A lot has changed since my last blogpost about India. I am a different person with different experiences and a different perspective, and lately, I have been getting some heavy revelation about the person of Jesus, the character of God.

It's a been a while... The season I am in is rich, so rich, but it feels like I am dying. It's been a while long. Maybe, a while too long. Probably not. I am thankful, but on the real, I am not thankful most days. But God, he is incredibly, unrelentingly patient with me. He is not surprised by my sin or my, more than occasional, cold shoulder. Yeah, I give God the cold shoulder sometimes. He simply loves me. 

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs." How many times have you heard that one? And recently, I noticed how desensitized I was to it. But that is real! That is real, untainted, and unconditional love that he extends to me in the valleys and at the peaks because his love is not based on my circumstance or even my response. His love is for me, not about me, and it never was about me. It was always about him.

Something God has revealed to me recently is a misstep in my perception of who he is and who I am. Up until a week ago, I was holding many aspects of life with clenched fists. I was gripping onto plans, dreams, hopes, etc. They were all good in themselves, but I sought and found false security in things I thought I and God wanted. I was stubbornly gripping onto the security of "knowing," knowing what the next step is and having a plan. But, in his perfect love, God gently took my fists in his palms and asked me if I willing to let go and trust him. He didn't force me. He didn't coerce me. He simply asked me. I was taken aback. God gives me a choice because he truly loves me, and he would still love me if I shook my head. (Side note: I have shook my head a lot, especially in this past year.) I wanted to live by sight and not faith. Faith is scary. It's risky; that's why it's faith. However, God is worthy, so worthy of our trust. Trustworthy. He is trustworthy, even in the fog and chaos of life. I would argue he is the only thing that is trustworthy in foggy times, and I am the least trustworthy. As soon as I released my grip, my necessity to control shifted to a necessity to depend, so instead of clinging to my "things," I'm choosing to cling to Jesus. It is a process, of course.

So, this is my phrase of the century (dramatic): "I don't know." I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I want. I don't know what next year is going to look like. I don't know what my dreams are. I don't know what tomorrow looks like. I don't know what I need. I don't know how I'm going to manage my budget. I don't know how I am going to pay my debt. You get the picture. I don't know anything, EXCEPT I know I can stand on goodness of God. I know he has my best in mind. I know he is trustworthy. Mostly, I know his hand, and I know how it feels, its warmth, bigness, and creases. I am gripping onto it for dear life because I am not called to know. I am called to trust... for a while. Maybe, forever. Probably, forever. 

sweet adventures.

Here are some photos of the retreat, our time in India, and our time in London. :)

free & unhindered.

Thanks to Kate Harlan the whole India team looked up their name meanings. If you don't know your name meaning, you should look it up! God named you what he named you with purpose because he created each of us with beautiful and significant purpose. I absolutely love mine.

My name is so prophetic! I love being the daughter of the King, free to sit in his lap and dance with him. And I do this all with a crown on my head. I am the Beloved. I am loved and pursued by God because of the Beloved Son. He doesn't see my mess-ups or my sin. He sees me as he sees Jesus. I got deep revelation of this listening to Graham Cooke's Becoming the Beloved series. We listened to this as a team too. Everyone got rocked. GET IT. And the last one is what he hit me with in India: free and unhindered. 

So in the sea of grace, God taught me to rest, like I said in my last post. However, I didn't paint a picture of how bad I am at resting. My flesh tends to strive and perform for God's love and approval. If I am not doing something "for God," I feel like I'm failing.  Sometimes, I want the quick fix to be where I think I should be, all healed, all matured, and all ready to go. BUT God, he has me where he has me because he is God of the process. He loves and accepts me where I am, brokenness and all. He also has a plan to see me become more and more like Jesus. I always knew that in my head, but it had a hard time sinking to my heart. Therefore, I continued to respond to God as a failure and behind my walls of self-protection. In other words, I never rested.

Rest is a manifestation of the Spirit. Rest is a commandment. Also, I am remembering my one-liner for the semester: "Obedience is better than sacrifice, and relationship is better than obedience." I rest not only to obey but to relate to God, who rested on the 7th day. In rest, God meets me and squeezes out the flesh that wants to "earn" his unconditional love.

In India, God healed my heart, and I haven't dove into all the healing I received. But, he healed me, and I felt this holy contentment erupt in my spirit. I am supernaturally content in every place that God has me: family, life, relationship, etc. And the contentment stems from a deep trust in God to protect and love. Who I was when I arrived in India and who I am leaving India are drastically different because of the way I trust God and rest in his promise to be who he is. In trusting God, I align myself with who I am called to be: free and unhindered. I am free because I trust. I am unhindered because I trust. When I am not wrapped up in getting what's "mine," I am free and unhindered to swim and play in the sea of grace. 

I can confidently say that even if I had never shared the gospel or prayed for anyone, flying to India to have a bedroom view of Bangalore, India (see below) would have been worth it. What God did in me is just as valuable! And in the words of Graham Cooke,"we are not working towards victory; we are working from it." Everything from hereon out is a bonus. God flew me thousands of miles to see me undone before him, receive healing, learn to rest, and operate as a free and unhindered child of God.

india: the sea of grace

It's been a while. I've been back from India for a week now, and I've had limited access to the Internet. Hence, my blog has been lacking, but man, the testimony of what God did in India in and through me will take multiple posts. Plus, I haven't even processed all he did. However, for the first of the many blog posts, I want to describe how he threw me into a sea of grace, so much grace. There was grace for being his daughter, grace for leading, grace for sharing the gospel, grace for my dreams, etc. I could go on for hours and hours. 

The trip was amazing in every aspect. The team was dynamic, fun and refreshing. They are a group of people who wanted to leave everything they had to give in India. The team was made up of powerhouses for the kingdom, who relied solely on the Spirit of God. Then there's the people of India who are so beautiful. The spiritual realm there is amazing. We simply stepped into what God was already doing. Many of our salvations were responses to dreams of Jesus telling people to surrender. People are open to seeing visions, having dreams, and experiencing the presence of God. The crazy thing is following Jesus there is an all or nothing thing, so when a Hindu decided to leave behind all his or her idols and way of life to make Jesus Lord of all, you knew it was such a real and genuine surrender. We got to plant a ton of seed and splash the kingdom of God in lots of places, and we are excited to hear about when others will reap the harvest. Everyone left encouraged and spiritually full.

All the above is able to be said because of the grace of God. Thank you, God, that I am a daughter first, before I am a leader, evangelist, discipler, friend, and carrier of dreams. God taught me how to rest on this trip. People joke all the time about how going to India is learning to go with the flow of the river. But for real, God threw me into his sea of grace and allowed me to float with the current of what he was doing. It's beautiful to know that we were made to be carried by God before we are to be carriers of God. I was constantly and tenderly carried by God through every step and every circumstance. His sea of grace ebbed away any remnants of my walls of self-protection, and I realized how trustworthy God really was. I mean... I'm still learning, but I look back a year from now, even a couple months, and see his patient, persistent pursuit of my heart.

I loved India, every second of it. I loved everything about it because I saw Jesus every direction I turned. 

taking flight... literally.

My flight takes off at 5:15 p.m. tomorrow for Heathrow, London and then Bangalore, India. Tomorrow also marks the day that my parents are officially divorced. I know it's prophetic. Wow, God is literally closing one door and swinging open a beautiful door. It is an end and a beginning. God is so tender. Carl Gulley shared a quote in the sermon this morning: "We overestimate the moment and underestimate the process." So true. However, in this instance, God wouldn't let me forget the process. It's been a beautiful, hard process. There were plenty of times I overestimated the moment, and in those times, I allowed my circumstance to be bigger than my god. BUT God, he is patient and persistent, and his promise for restoration does not change. He is worth it all. I would do it all over again because he is worth it.

So often, the enemy wants us to settle for less than what God has promised. We sit in the circumstance, instead of seeing the opportunity to take flight. We set up our own limitations, and when we miss out, we blame God. Taking flight involves risk. There's the unknown and uncertainty, but isn't that where God meets us? When we release control and give him full reign, he can be all he was made to be to us. I want to live a life of risking it all! Never have I regretted risking it all in the hands of my god.

So this trip to India with my amazing team is my beginning, my beginning of risking it all. I'm taking flight physically to a different place and spiritually into a different season. And I'm excited. I look back and see the faithfulness of God. I look forward at the unknown, yet I see the faithfulness of God.

Also, I placed this awesome video at the end of this post. It's beautiful, and the people are so talented. Thank you, Kyle Walker, for showing it to me!

we love katie.